When God Says Wait

 

Photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels

It’s a new year. For most people, that means making new year's resolutions, milestones they want to hit and goals they want to achieve. I myself have some major things that I would love to accomplish. The biggest thing is having a baby. 

We began our journey trying to conceive in May 2020. I was convinced that it wouldn’t take that long. But days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Dozens of negative pregnancy tests and hours of sobbing my eyes out later. I realized it was May 2021, and I was officially suffering from infertility. 

I thought, this can’t happen to me. I’ve always wanted children. I’m great with children. Surely I just need to pray more, eat better, read my bible more, stop stressing, and drink more water.

But no.  

At times, it felt like God was taunting me, especially after two women close to me heard a word that I was going to conceive soon. Finally, God had answered my prayers! We could start a family and our life could finally begin.

But no. 

How could He do this to me? The desire to be a mother was placed so deeply in my heart and now He had ripped it away from me. 

It would be a lie to say that I have fully accepted that it will happen in God's timing. In fact, I’m writing this to say that I struggle to accept it. I thought I could ignore it and pretend it’s not happening, but it was happening. I don’t fully understand why; I mean, there are women who willingly get their tubes tied or women who abuse their children. Why not make one of them unable to conceive? Why can’t I wombs with them? I wish I had the answer. 

In these moments of confusion, I enjoy reading Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”

I would be absolutely nuts to not trust in the One who created me and all that I see. If He is closing my womb, it must be for good reason. I know He has not forgotten about me and that He remains faithful to me; even though I’m not always faithful to Him. 

My hope remains in Him, “‘The LORD is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘Therefore I hope in Him.’ The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” Lamentations 3:24-25.

Even if I never receive what I want, there is a good reason for it. Just as a child may never understand why they can’t eat ice cream three times a day, I may never understand either, and that’s okay. I just need to do my part and keep my shield of faith held firmly in front of me and trust in He who strengthens me and delight myself in the Lord, praising Him every step of the way. 

~Ellie